My Good Friend - Where Are You?

I don't understand what happened to us.
I feel trapped now... Still thinking of that night of freedom.
when we went, simply went out without having any idea how to return.
Sweat, kisses, screams, loudness, definitely loud.
oh I miss it so much I am crying now.
Now you are a different person.
I'm the same one.
far away and I don't understand a thing.
How did we each follow our own way?
What happened to us?
Why am I here?
I wanna scream louder than I can.
That concert still in my mind... I think it was 1995...
I was never meant to grow up...
And I'm here now at an old age.
still feeling like that teenager.
I don't understand.
Rescue me, please.
take me back for a few more seconds where I can breathe, where I can be me.
Lets laugh, sweat, jump, scream right now!
The two of us unafraid again! Not caring how the hell we're getting home.
take me back now for a few more seconds.
I know you don't miss that night.
I know you don't miss that concert.
But I miss it for both of us right now.
And I miss you and us and myself all together.
And I know that was it. Done. Finished. Forever.

Boring Black Handbag

This could all be because my soul is in the words... The thin rain outside... It is in the traffic jam... when I close my eyes and run into your arms, and we sing together, run together, through the crowded streets from my memories, from what was and never was...

They honk and I'm back in a black cab holding a huge handbag... Why? When did I stop being light? Was it when I started an office job, sending paperwork back and forth? Was it when I lost you more than a decade ago? When my teenage years were left behind? Was it when I became ashamed of singing out loud... (well, I haven't really)? When did I simply stop being me? Did I wake up one morning as boring? Was it when life killed my dreams?

I still don't know. But the luminous, starry, velvety gray of London one day became just gray. The sparkly and musical hustle and bustle became a dull scene of cars stuck in silent, or loud sirens. They switched off the cars' headlights. I stopped breathing words, and my heart stopped beating. My childhood's ocean became still. And I started sending and receiving emails all day about nothing. It all became about nothing. Blank or gray. The laughter in the city became silent; every face became expressionless.

I feel like I'm drowning. I don't understand. I killed emotion after emotion, only to sit in the dark and cry out loud -- when they return to the sound of a laptop keyboard. Goosebumps that I can't hide anymore. I look for you every day in everything, as if you could bring me back. As if you could glue the pieces of you and me together again like it used to be. Because our past was a constant glittery party that never stopped -- where the music never stopped -- where my eyes kept meeting yours -- no matter how many people in between us. And my present is a huge, black, heavy, boring handbag, in a silent black cab, in the middle of a dark city -- where I want to scream.

Ramblings of a Psychopath

Under the duvet
drinking Spring water
watching the rain
the gray
Imagining you call my name.

She writes on napkins
Spells out her dreams
They are just dreams.
All the instruments
that play in her head.
Yellow train up the mountain
Switzerland dreams.
Little rocks, small little rocks
from long ago.

She stopped imagining.
It is all 9 to 5 now.
Late nights and cuba libres left behind.
The search is gone.
Her hope is in what used to be,
which "will use to be" forever.
They used to be
and it is a picture frame forever
in space
in the space of her heart.

Falling down from the stars
pieces of her memoirs.
Going down San Diego's ocean.
Sinking in her heart.
Sinking her heart.

Damn...

I am still in that van on the way to LA. The same song playing over and over again, while I look outside escaping to the green, outside, flying with the blue, far, so distant... Fun conversations, laughter -- until someone suggests another song... But you are sitting in the front... monopolising the cd player.

Now I listen to different versions of that song, and I close my eyes tight, imagining the fear of going bungee jumping... You missed me that day... Came by my dorm a few times, while I was flying in the air, holding on to the rope, and to the hope of never losing you. Really, never wanted to lose you. Holding onto you -- to the memory of you, the pieces of the puzzle that I remember now, which make no sense.

You used to be there day and night, all the time, and in my mind, and when I went to bed and woke up. Then gone. Rain drops on my window, taking you away. It hurts. The pain is greater than what we were, I know. I tend to fantasize, and dramatise, dream day and night, and listen to songs over and over again, and make up stories in my head. A normal day becomes something else and we become soul mates.

But that was just a sunny day. Bungee jumping in LA. When I had you and youth. When we were. When we were in real life. Not a story -- of a kind -- that exists in my mind.

Ashes

There is a sadness I've been carrying with me,
which will only leave me,
when I'm in your arms once and for all -
when the world will make a sudden stop to watch us, and nod
acknowledging the simple and most complex fact:
that we fall in place,
in the right place -
after a long, very long fall.

But we don't really.
I will never be in your arms again -
or see your arms... or see you...
in a distance, far away, walking away...

Memories should fade from when we stopped being.
Your name should be just a name.
Your face in my mind, just a face of a stranger on the street.
Photographs and songs should turn into ashes
and disappear in the air forever.
There should be no proof of us ever being.
Because the pain of losing you
is greater than all we were
and were supposed to be. Together.

Sublime

The orange in the living room, the bright in it, contrasting with the darkness outside. I wish right now to be exactly where I am. Right here, under the white snow in the darkness. Under the orange light at the same time. I wish to be where I happen to be. WOW.

I am so in love, so in love that I am completely helpless... completely lost in you, in your love, forever. Floating. Loving. Floating. Loving. Forever. I love it when you play the piano; when you touch my heart; when you nod your head telling me I don’t understand a thing.

Thank you for the orange light in my living room. Thank you for being here. For making me believe that everything is going to be alright ‘cause it already is. Thank you for taking me to the stars and back.

I love watching the city from above with you. I love the music you make for me every day. So many presents every day... I don’t know what to say. And you always know the solution before I even think of the puzzle... You are my doctor. You are my safe place in life’s earthquakes. You never let me fall apart. You bring the orange light from the living room; catch me from the glass balcony, roll with me on the snow; and take me flying... And it is sublime.

Facebook Ghosts

So, hi, you are on my Msn contact list but I can’t quite remember who you are?

Hey, don’t know you either... But how are you?

I’m okay... Life has turned out a lot different than what I had planned in my childhood, but okay... :) You?

No, I have always known I’d be an artist. But why do you say that?

Ahahaah because I never knew what I was going to be or in fact who I am but I thought I would have it figured out by now!

But it hasn’t happened yet, ah? It will come at some point.

Yes... (or not)

So now I am curious to know where I know you from. You are also on my list. Any dating site you have been on recently?

Uhm... yeah... loads. Let’s just establish I know you from one of them then.

You see this is what bugs me about the virtual world.

What is?

We met online at some point. We probably liked each other at some point for exchanging emails and adding each other on Msn... And for some reason it didn’t work out and we even forgot about each other. The thing is: Would we be part of a more meaningful story if we had met in person?

I doubt it.

?

When I meet someone in person it is destined to fail. I read the other day about first love damaging you for life. And I fit the profile. I have been damaged. For life.

(long silence)

So, are you going to keep me on your Msn list?

What do you want? Be Msn friends? I don’t think that will be possible as you don’t fit the criteria. I am only friends with a guy when either he is gay or unattractive to me.

That is a weird way to compliment someone... Calling me an attractive straight man.

You’re welcome.

So when I was a teenager, about seventeen years old, I met this girl at a party and damn she was beautiful, gorgeous and smart and funny... We spent all night talking to each other. I mean nothing happened. I wouldn’t dare kissing her that night and perhaps spoil it. But I left the party imagining that something could develop from there and my heart was all warm inside and I was just happy. Right?

Right, I’m listening.

So, I moved out of town shortly after and we never saw each other again. She was just a childhood memory. One that would make me smile at times... You know the feeling... But then, last year she added me on Facebook. And destroyed my childhood memory with her wall posts. The mystery is gone and I am now aware every day of her boring life. I get to know about her boring husband, see her boring pictures. All ruined.

Wow, I’m sorry. That really sucks.

So are you going to keep me on your list?

Why do you want to be kept on my list?

That is not what I am saying. I am just asking if you are going to delete me.

We delete people from Msn contact lists, from Facebook friends, from Skype or from our minds like it happened to us. But they come back like ghosts. They always come back one way or another, for real or not. It is just how it is.

But are you going to delete me?

Good night, Matt.