The State of Simply Missing

The state of missing the past or the place or the people left behind is just an excuse for sadness to come in and flourish the pages. The black and white movie starts playing in your head, tears start coming down, the throat starts to close up to the point you can barely breathe. But we know better now, and we know that “there and then” is just not better than here now.

So, open up your eyes when the black and white movie starts playing... And watch the colourful, vivid movie that is playing right now, right here, right at this very moment. Listen to the music, grasp the real air, get up and dance to now, here and real!

Almost in Edinburgh

I don’t have a word for every musical note I hear,

but a quick feeling, a quick and permanent emotion.

Tonight is full of musical notes in my bedroom,

full of places and people and dreams.

Colourful bubbles coming through the window,

following the bright yellow chandelier,

in the middle of darkness.

A small light at the end of the tunnel,

where there is you and me,

holding hands,

staring at each other,

for the first time forever.

There is a sparkling river;

it snows.

We feel every note as if the piano was right there... at the end of the tunnel,

where we hold hands and stare at each other tonight.

Life in a Bouncing Bubble

Tonight was an interesting night indeed. I met up with friends from childhood who carry a bit of me in themselves and vice-versa.

I remembered stories that might have been dreams, such as the party with a swimming pool, which I seem to have attended by myself, and thrown myself in the water late at night. No one remembers that... I still do. It was a Halloween party and I was, of course, dressed as a witch. I remember removing my witch hat before diving, and fighting not to drown, as my heavy witch costume pulled me down. Maybe I went to that party alone. I mean, there were others, but I can’t recall one person that was there to ensure me it wasn’t a dream.

Very common in my world: reality getting itself mixed up with dreams. Is this real right now or am I in a comma waiting to wake up and have you back? What is reality: the moments we miss dearly, the ones we will never forget (even the ones that never happened), or is reality right here right now even if right here right now doesn’t mean anything and will be forgotten in the next second?

Is reality the Fringe Festival every August in Edinburgh? Is reality that kiss? That kiss that never happened? That musical? That old theater? That last dance before we looked for a night bus almost all night long? The first time I looked into your eyes? When we first said hi in class? The yellow lights in a far away park that I seem to visit often (and every time in my dreams)? Is it the love we thought we felt deep in our hearts? My sudden taste for Jazz music? My loud and scary laughter? The Halloween party with a swimming pool... the effort not to drown in heavy clothing? Meeting childhood friends that didn’t seem to have attended ‘the party’.

It is a gigantic bouncing bubble that moves up and down in scenarios where you feel at home or where you feel in a door less sauna thirsty to get out. Next time I feel at home, I will make sure to stay: no matter how lonely, bored, disappointed or sad I feel at times. Real moments are also made of these things that I try to keep pushing away from the bubble.

Good Night Now

Drunk in the living room after a weird night out as all the others. I used to like going out with you. Drink and stare at you… all night long… I didn't understand anything then either… But I guess you did (for both of us), and that is all that mattered.

What matters now is that I have to re start… on a jet plane once again… I am hoping this is the last time. But I have said that too many times before… wearing a long purple dress or a pink nightgown, I imagine myself being found somewhere, alone In Edinburgh or Amsterdam, or anywhere cold where my make up doesn't melt, please.

Good night, get back on your horse and come back tomorrow for brunch. I will make pancakes. Don't look back. There will be light tomorrow, I promise. The Lake will be blue again, the sky blue and yellowish. Darkness will have vanished, until it comes again. We can dance through it: on the tube back and forth until my cheeks burn in red.

Good night now.

It Was Already Broken

Full of dreams of a deep black lake, white horses, and knights floating through the night... sorry but I thought you were about to break my heart... when you had already broken it... floating flowers, stars in the dark velvet night... I see you everywhere even there, my secret lonely place... Drowning castles with its upside down stairs. You will leave soon, I know. So let me take just this one moment to stare at you behind the small moon... damp grass, let’s roll across the immense field, just before you go. You will be floating in the air, while I can’t help the tears down my face. I will be safe tonight, far from your arms. I will feel Edinburgh’s wind with Barcelona’s warm breeze running with you through the night. Let me kiss you for the first time before you go. Let me hold your hand before you leave. Let me then, close my eyes and lose my memory forever. I will cry of happiness of a night full of colorful stars, which is tonight. You will never return. But I will feel safe in my secret, lonely place you have once visited. It is good bye now. When I close my eyes now, you will be gone forever. It will be me and this place. Thank you for visiting my dreams. Take that first white horse and go through the lake, till I can’t see you anymore. You get smaller, and smaller, and smaller until you disappear...

Quite Short Tonight

Dreams expire and floating around clouds becomes quite an attraction... The hassle and bustle of the steamy, “screamy” city outside becomes a nightmare. I belong in a theatre with the orchestra and its enchantments where dreams last forever...

N-O-T-H-I-N-G

“... Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark but there were stars--points of light and reason. ... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything...” (New Moon, Stephenie Meyer)

I finished reading New Moon today... And what can I say after this? There is nothing to say. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.